Eleven Months

....Officially almost a year old, Rhianna is a wonderful little terror. She is understanding us enough now to actually follow through with the "take the remote to Daddy" commands, but, as Dave discovered, still too young for the "go get Daddy a beer" chores. I guess she still has a little growing to do :)

Ok, today's topic is post/pre-baby boobs so if you're shy, stop here.. That's right folks, I'm gonna "go there." Modesty? Not likely.

Before I had child(ren), I had no idea how much I liked my boobs. They were in the right spot, firmish but not engorged. The nips were in the right spot, pointing striaght ahead, and the brown part was about the size of a quarter. I wore pretty bras in lots of different styles and colors. Strappy, lacy, sporty, "no-cold-nipples-showing", padded, not padded, strapless, demi, full, underwire. Nude, blue, black, purple, pink, red, multi-colored, even one with sequenz (sp?) that never actually wore, but it fit.

Pregnancy #1. Boobs are now 4 sizes bigger (good for Dave) but constantly sore (sorry Dave, no-touchy). Nipples have grown astronomically. National geo anyone? Brown is now a silver dollar at least. No longer cute, but more anatomy-book-diagram-like. You want to know what the separate parts were? I got 'em in easy-to-view, extra large. Breast, got it. Areola, got it. Full duct, got it. Colostrum, got it. I have to admit, there was a little novelty here. It was pretty funny the first time I sprayed Dave with milk from 3 feet away -- ha! that'll teach him for teasing a pregnant lady. Beware the squirting melons!

Maternity/Nursing bras came next. Only available in Nude (not actually anyone's skin color), white, and occasionly, black -- but all available in E-cup (yeah, I didn't know they came that big either). All have unsnapping/easy-access-to-boobies capabilities. This is not sexy as you might imagine. If there is anything that can make a woman's boobs feel more like circus clowns, it's being exposed in a nursing bra. Yes, they do come in handy later on, but the experience (that every woman I know who's nursed has had) of your husband having annoying glee (read: rolling with laughter at those-parts-that-were-once-sexy) at seeing your headlights unwillingly exposed by two unsnapped cups of a nursing bra. It's humiliating and Left and Right both know it and will resent you for it.

Baby #1. Milk comes in and Pamela Anderson is left in the dust. I am a porn star (at least until you see the wreck that is the rest of my body). Let down? Ha. Flood zone is more like it. I'm not going to discuss nursing here. That'll have to be another post -- there's just too much to be said. At this point though, they aren't really UNattractive, but you don't recognize them. It's like your "fat" self. You look in the mirror and know your real boobs -- the pretty, perky ones you remember -- are in there somewhere, but you just don't recognize the image staring back at you.

Post-nursing boobs. Smaller, deformed, depressed versions of pre-baby boobs -- which have disappeared, as far as I know, forever. I for one, was a little excited that mine were smaller, but totally depressed at their lack of perkiness. They are mushy, deflated and more oval than round. They don't care anymore. THEY are depressed. The nipples start racing each other to the belly button. You hope neither will win for at least another 60 years, but the outlook doesn't look good. If I'd known this was in my future before I'd delivered, I think I would have switched to formula earlier but at this point, it's hopeless. Though the old bras start to fit again -- which is a nice relief -- they don't "fit" in the traditional sense of the word.

Pregnancy #2. It's been a relief that I didn't start lactating at 12 weeks during this pregnancy. Of course, that could be because I never really stopped from Pregnancy#1. (Yeah. I was not-nursing for at least 2 months before I got knocked up again, but, lucky me, my milkers didn't get the memo.) Now farther along, my again-pregnant boobs are looking "up" thanks to a full duct or two. They haven't been enormous like they were with Rhianna which is exciting because I can still wear some of the old more-interestingly-colored bras. Nonetheless, I think they are dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder from the whole nursing experience.

The most surprising thing for me about whole boob-changing experience that happens during pregnancy/nursing/"drying-up"/pregancy again is how different one is from the other. Until I became pregnant -- well, maybe even until I started nursing -- I had no idea Left and Right had such different personalities. One was very excited about squirting milk, one not-so-much. They liked to release milk at the same time (particularly when I forgot nursing pads in public) but Left really preferred to be first when Baby was concerned. One was very happy to be in UnderwireNursingBra while the other prefered Wireless. One nip got a mole, the other liked to change shape. One could be full, the other bone-dry. Who knew? They have retained their separate capabilities. They no longer care about symetry (or, for that matter, embarassing their carrier -- I don't say "owner" because you realize, at a certain point, that you have control over certain things in your body. My boobs are no longer in that category).

So there you have it. The lives of Left and Right to date. Hey, you could have stopped reading at any time, I wasn't pressuring you to read the whole post so I take no responsibility.