Last Friday, Dave and I enjoyed our second "date-night" -- the second Friday of each month, our daycare keeps the kids until 8 so we get to enjoy three workless, childless hours. We decided to spend one of our Christmas gift certificates on a nice dinner. I sat in the booth after we'd finished our dinner and watched waiters, waitresses and patrons stroll past our table. Now, you have to realize that after 3 years of drinking almost no alcohol, I my mind was drifting freely after two glasses of red wine. And as the people walked by, I couldn't help but notice their bottoms. Specifically the difference between the male and female bottoms. By the "difference" I mean that current fashion suggests that men have NO bottoms and women have ....significant bottoms.
Take a poll the next time you're out in public. Note the bottom "crease" showing through the pants that defines the bottom. Compare how many women creases you see versus male creases. Even the loose-fitting women's pants still define the bottom in some way -- be it the crease, the pockets place atop each cheek, or the fit of the waist (shamelessly revealing the crack and shoving out the love handles or nicely tailored pleats defining the shape of the bottom leading up to the to the womanly waist). Their male counterparts, however, rarely show evidence of the existance of any existence of body parts between the waist and the knees. The pocket are placed to hide camouflauge the crease and the waist, well, defies all laws of physics to make the pants stay up. Sure, here and there, you encounter a significant male bottom that can't be camouflaged by the fashionable rump-less rags, but these are few and far between.
Aside from this Earth-shattering realization during my date on Friday, I stumbled on an item to add to my "you know you're a mother when" list (which I someday will publish in full). Ready?
You know you're a mother when your chosen word for "butt" is "bottom" -- even when you're a little drunk. Not "ass", "hiney", or "rear", but the toddler-friendly, "bottom". Ah, Motherhood how you've changed me.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Cinnamon toast
Just when you think you know someone, they throw you a curve ball.
A year or so ago, it occurred to me that everyone makes cinnamon toast differently. It's a simple thing really and while everyone seems to know about cinnamon toast, very few people make it the same way. So if you're looking for a fun discussion in your office, ask everyone how they make cinnamon toast.
My preferred method is using a toaster oven. Toast the bread lightly, then spread the butter over the toasted bread. Dump (a lot of) sugar evenly on the toast. Sprinkle cinnamon so the top is covered in a brown dusting. Try to avoid clumps. Return toast to toaster. Sometimes you have to turn the toaster back on, but most of the time it is still warm enough so that, after a minute or so, the sugar turns... clear? -- so that it doesn't look white any more. Then you know it's done. If you're a creme brule fan, you can put the toaster on broil for about 30 second and the sugar will get crusty. Eat all the bread's crust first because the center bite is the best one so save that until last. Before leaving the house, check teeth for leftovers.
In college when I didn't have a toaster oven, I used the microwave for 10 seconds for the final heat.
My husband has a different method altogether. He toasts the bread in the oven with the broiler. He likes this because it leaves the bottom side of the bread un-toasted (which, by the way, I think is weird). Other that that though, I thought everything was the same. This morning, I found out that I was mistaken. He broils, the butters, then CINNAMONs -- before the sugar!! Very strange. Who puts the cinnamon pre-sugar? Sugar's purpose is to provide and nice caloric bed for the cinnamon, not to blanket it in. I have to be honest, I didn't try the bas-ackwards Dave version so I can't say whether or not the sugar-cinnamon switch has any taste effect.
Nonetheless, it's was startling. Geez. You think you know someone.
A year or so ago, it occurred to me that everyone makes cinnamon toast differently. It's a simple thing really and while everyone seems to know about cinnamon toast, very few people make it the same way. So if you're looking for a fun discussion in your office, ask everyone how they make cinnamon toast.
My preferred method is using a toaster oven. Toast the bread lightly, then spread the butter over the toasted bread. Dump (a lot of) sugar evenly on the toast. Sprinkle cinnamon so the top is covered in a brown dusting. Try to avoid clumps. Return toast to toaster. Sometimes you have to turn the toaster back on, but most of the time it is still warm enough so that, after a minute or so, the sugar turns... clear? -- so that it doesn't look white any more. Then you know it's done. If you're a creme brule fan, you can put the toaster on broil for about 30 second and the sugar will get crusty. Eat all the bread's crust first because the center bite is the best one so save that until last. Before leaving the house, check teeth for leftovers.
In college when I didn't have a toaster oven, I used the microwave for 10 seconds for the final heat.
My husband has a different method altogether. He toasts the bread in the oven with the broiler. He likes this because it leaves the bottom side of the bread un-toasted (which, by the way, I think is weird). Other that that though, I thought everything was the same. This morning, I found out that I was mistaken. He broils, the butters, then CINNAMONs -- before the sugar!! Very strange. Who puts the cinnamon pre-sugar? Sugar's purpose is to provide and nice caloric bed for the cinnamon, not to blanket it in. I have to be honest, I didn't try the bas-ackwards Dave version so I can't say whether or not the sugar-cinnamon switch has any taste effect.
Nonetheless, it's was startling. Geez. You think you know someone.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Cool moms are fat.
A couple of days ago, I read an article (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/01/08/AR2007010800982.html) that basically concludes that the coolest moms are, by definition, thin. The general idea is that if you take pride in your self, you will be thin, fit and active and therefore the best role model for the youngins. I've been thinking since then about how to respond.
I understand the idea and relate to a certain degree. After all, I don't want my daughter to look in the mirror at herself as critically as I look at myself. I also want my kids to take responsibility for their bodies and health. I want them to eat well and play hard. So to a certain degree, I can agree with the premise.
However, I know some amazing moms who are stilly carrying around a few leftover pregnancy pounds and I honestly don't think that has any effect on their coolness. In fact, if you are as proud of our post-pardum self as your never quite-thin-enough pre-pregnancy self, I think that is just as excellent in terms of role model potential. I don't know that I will ever have my most-perfect body. Despite that, I feel I can be a good role model to my children by showing them that, despite the "imperfections" that every body has, your body is something to respect.
So I can't agree that all cool moms are thin. Active, enthusiastic, sure. I think I could even buy "fit, but thin? I'm not so sure. Thoughts?
I understand the idea and relate to a certain degree. After all, I don't want my daughter to look in the mirror at herself as critically as I look at myself. I also want my kids to take responsibility for their bodies and health. I want them to eat well and play hard. So to a certain degree, I can agree with the premise.
However, I know some amazing moms who are stilly carrying around a few leftover pregnancy pounds and I honestly don't think that has any effect on their coolness. In fact, if you are as proud of our post-pardum self as your never quite-thin-enough pre-pregnancy self, I think that is just as excellent in terms of role model potential. I don't know that I will ever have my most-perfect body. Despite that, I feel I can be a good role model to my children by showing them that, despite the "imperfections" that every body has, your body is something to respect.
So I can't agree that all cool moms are thin. Active, enthusiastic, sure. I think I could even buy "fit, but thin? I'm not so sure. Thoughts?
Thursday, February 01, 2007
All the advise I didn't want
As much as the turnaround in my office has been disruptive to our routine, I have to say the process of highering (is that spelled right?) a new office assistant, writer, marketing specialist and fiscal manager, has introduced me to quite a few interesting people. The most recent addition is woman who's temporarily filling in for our (also temporary) front desk "first responder." Now, to introduce her (inappropriately) the first thing I'll tell you is that she's pregnant. With twins. And while my experiences of the last two years certainly can't compare to the challenge of bringing two babies into the world at one time, I found myself bubbling over with all the advice and personal anecdotes that other women seemed incapable of keeping to themselves when I was pregnant. I don't remember minding hearing their stories as long as I didn't feel like they were putting judgement on my choices so hopefully she felt the same way. Just in case, I'll use this forum to catch my pregnancy "word vomit" (a phrase from the movie "Mean Girls" that I find particularly concise).
And with that, here are some of the things I couldn't help but say to my new first-time-pregnant friend that I feel should really be communicated to every newly pregnant woman:
1. Pregnancy bites. I know there are women who love every minute of the weight gain, disappearing waist, constant peeing and other joys of the miracle of making another life. But, LOUD AND CLEAR, that's not everyone -- and from what I can tell -- it's not even most people. Don't second guess your potential mothering skills if you find this process (which ends with a room full of people staring at your crotch) less than endearing. You'll have plenty of opportunities to win you're "unMother-of-the-Year" awards once you're little bean(s) are on the outside.
2. Nursing is a personal choice. Tell everyone else to bud out. And if a man comments on this, tell him you'll pump an 8 ounce bottle when he does and then give him a breast pump and see what he comes up with. Trust me, after 20 seconds hooked up to the Medela Milk-o-Matic, he'll be singing a different tune.
3. Learn to smile and nod when it comes to older generations of mothers. They will, I guarantee, give you advice that ends in "we did that with our kids and they didn't die." Ok, first of all grandma, it's not always about death. Second, in your generation they recommended smoking while pregnant so that the babies would have a lower birth weight and (in theory) this would make labor easier. Now, with an entire generation of asthmatics, we know that was a dumb ass idea. Long story short, so just because it seemed to work for you, doesn't mean it will work for us. Give these woment the respect they deserve, after all, they didn't have the comfort of five-point harnesses (in every baby aparatus concocted) and they had to wrestle with baby clothes with real buttons and all sorts of other inconveniences. However, I can't tell you how many times I've heard "it won't kill them" attached to a parenting or pregnancy behavior suggestion. Just learn to smile and nod.
4. Damn the pregnancy books. If you read them, you will be convinced you're baby has no chance at a normal life. And normal or not, your baby will be your baby so put the books down and listen to your heart instead. You're baby will not be dislexic because you slept on your back instead of your left side. You're baby will not feel abandoned because you let him cry for ten minutes while you take a much needed shower. You're baby will not be doomed to a life of illness and parental detachment if you don't breast feed until they go to college. And if your precious child has some problem, you'll figure it out when you get there -- there's no point preparing at week 13 in a healthy pregnancy for a child with disorder x, y, or z that your child probably won't have. You'll drive yourself crazy. Put down the books. (or better, read my blog ;)
5. If you can, find other pregnant women or women with young children and bitch to them. They understand. They will never have your exact experience, but they can be a temendous support.
And with that, here are some of the things I couldn't help but say to my new first-time-pregnant friend that I feel should really be communicated to every newly pregnant woman:
1. Pregnancy bites. I know there are women who love every minute of the weight gain, disappearing waist, constant peeing and other joys of the miracle of making another life. But, LOUD AND CLEAR, that's not everyone -- and from what I can tell -- it's not even most people. Don't second guess your potential mothering skills if you find this process (which ends with a room full of people staring at your crotch) less than endearing. You'll have plenty of opportunities to win you're "unMother-of-the-Year" awards once you're little bean(s) are on the outside.
2. Nursing is a personal choice. Tell everyone else to bud out. And if a man comments on this, tell him you'll pump an 8 ounce bottle when he does and then give him a breast pump and see what he comes up with. Trust me, after 20 seconds hooked up to the Medela Milk-o-Matic, he'll be singing a different tune.
3. Learn to smile and nod when it comes to older generations of mothers. They will, I guarantee, give you advice that ends in "we did that with our kids and they didn't die." Ok, first of all grandma, it's not always about death. Second, in your generation they recommended smoking while pregnant so that the babies would have a lower birth weight and (in theory) this would make labor easier. Now, with an entire generation of asthmatics, we know that was a dumb ass idea. Long story short, so just because it seemed to work for you, doesn't mean it will work for us. Give these woment the respect they deserve, after all, they didn't have the comfort of five-point harnesses (in every baby aparatus concocted) and they had to wrestle with baby clothes with real buttons and all sorts of other inconveniences. However, I can't tell you how many times I've heard "it won't kill them" attached to a parenting or pregnancy behavior suggestion. Just learn to smile and nod.
4. Damn the pregnancy books. If you read them, you will be convinced you're baby has no chance at a normal life. And normal or not, your baby will be your baby so put the books down and listen to your heart instead. You're baby will not be dislexic because you slept on your back instead of your left side. You're baby will not feel abandoned because you let him cry for ten minutes while you take a much needed shower. You're baby will not be doomed to a life of illness and parental detachment if you don't breast feed until they go to college. And if your precious child has some problem, you'll figure it out when you get there -- there's no point preparing at week 13 in a healthy pregnancy for a child with disorder x, y, or z that your child probably won't have. You'll drive yourself crazy. Put down the books. (or better, read my blog ;)
5. If you can, find other pregnant women or women with young children and bitch to them. They understand. They will never have your exact experience, but they can be a temendous support.
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