All the advise I didn't want

As much as the turnaround in my office has been disruptive to our routine, I have to say the process of highering (is that spelled right?) a new office assistant, writer, marketing specialist and fiscal manager, has introduced me to quite a few interesting people. The most recent addition is woman who's temporarily filling in for our (also temporary) front desk "first responder." Now, to introduce her (inappropriately) the first thing I'll tell you is that she's pregnant. With twins. And while my experiences of the last two years certainly can't compare to the challenge of bringing two babies into the world at one time, I found myself bubbling over with all the advice and personal anecdotes that other women seemed incapable of keeping to themselves when I was pregnant. I don't remember minding hearing their stories as long as I didn't feel like they were putting judgement on my choices so hopefully she felt the same way. Just in case, I'll use this forum to catch my pregnancy "word vomit" (a phrase from the movie "Mean Girls" that I find particularly concise).

And with that, here are some of the things I couldn't help but say to my new first-time-pregnant friend that I feel should really be communicated to every newly pregnant woman:

1. Pregnancy bites. I know there are women who love every minute of the weight gain, disappearing waist, constant peeing and other joys of the miracle of making another life. But, LOUD AND CLEAR, that's not everyone -- and from what I can tell -- it's not even most people. Don't second guess your potential mothering skills if you find this process (which ends with a room full of people staring at your crotch) less than endearing. You'll have plenty of opportunities to win you're "unMother-of-the-Year" awards once you're little bean(s) are on the outside.

2. Nursing is a personal choice. Tell everyone else to bud out. And if a man comments on this, tell him you'll pump an 8 ounce bottle when he does and then give him a breast pump and see what he comes up with. Trust me, after 20 seconds hooked up to the Medela Milk-o-Matic, he'll be singing a different tune.

3. Learn to smile and nod when it comes to older generations of mothers. They will, I guarantee, give you advice that ends in "we did that with our kids and they didn't die." Ok, first of all grandma, it's not always about death. Second, in your generation they recommended smoking while pregnant so that the babies would have a lower birth weight and (in theory) this would make labor easier. Now, with an entire generation of asthmatics, we know that was a dumb ass idea. Long story short, so just because it seemed to work for you, doesn't mean it will work for us. Give these woment the respect they deserve, after all, they didn't have the comfort of five-point harnesses (in every baby aparatus concocted) and they had to wrestle with baby clothes with real buttons and all sorts of other inconveniences. However, I can't tell you how many times I've heard "it won't kill them" attached to a parenting or pregnancy behavior suggestion. Just learn to smile and nod.

4. Damn the pregnancy books. If you read them, you will be convinced you're baby has no chance at a normal life. And normal or not, your baby will be your baby so put the books down and listen to your heart instead. You're baby will not be dislexic because you slept on your back instead of your left side. You're baby will not feel abandoned because you let him cry for ten minutes while you take a much needed shower. You're baby will not be doomed to a life of illness and parental detachment if you don't breast feed until they go to college. And if your precious child has some problem, you'll figure it out when you get there -- there's no point preparing at week 13 in a healthy pregnancy for a child with disorder x, y, or z that your child probably won't have. You'll drive yourself crazy. Put down the books. (or better, read my blog ;)

5. If you can, find other pregnant women or women with young children and bitch to them. They understand. They will never have your exact experience, but they can be a temendous support.