The String

At sixteen weeks pregnant, I am somewhere in between maternity and regular pants. Maternity are, of course, very comfortable, but for my mental health, I will be occassionally squeezing my bulgy rear and not-yet-cute-or-firm pregnant belly into my regular clothes as long as the zippers don't burst and the tightness around my waist doesn't make me hurl.

There are several different kinds of maternity bottoms. I own the following varieties. There's the 3" waistband kind (my personal favorite), the front-panel (very icky, but useful during the late, whale-like stage of pregnancy); the under-the-belly, no panel style (this one is good, but shirt choice is important here or the stretchmarkes you don't know you have until you get to see the underside of your belly after birth show between the under-the-belly waistband and bottom-of-the-shirt edge. Another important note with the under-the-belly style of maternity bottoms is that your butt has to be just the right shape to hold these up all day. Otherwise you end up hiking them up every time you stand up or be faced with the reality of wearing penguin pants-- if you've seen Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins dancing with the penguins, then you know what I mean here); then there are the all-around panel pants. These are what I'd like to discuss today.

The actual waist on these pants are made of about a 1/2" elastic band. The elastic (at least on all that I have or have tried on) is small enough to fit snug around the smallest part of your body. Ok, so not your pinky, but definitely the smallest part of your waist if not your neck. Underneath the elastic is about 5"-7" of stretchy cotton fabric to accomodate your growing middle. This is then attached to the regular pants-- the part that everyone sees. Here's my question. On all of the materinity bottoms I own of this style, there is a string that sticks out coming from the elastic waistband-- kinda like a drawstring. What? is? this? FOR?!?!?!

The elastic built into the band is tight enough to make a size-two feel fat, so it can't possibly be there to sinch the already tight elastic even tighter. If you CAN sinch, you DON'T need maternity clothes. You either aren't pregnant or aren't yet showing. Stick to your regular clothes and stop insulting the preggers who actually do need maternity clothes.

Further, the string is long enough that no matter how humungous you get within the limits of the pants, you cannot reach the end of the string. Trust me, I tried. I stretched these suckers to their limit. I stretched them until the seams on that nice, soft cotton panel were about to burst and there was still a good 12" of string hanging down. WTF? All reason says that this string, no matter what it is for, should not be a foot longer than the possible limit of the extendable waistband. It's just confusing. I mean, when you reach the limit of the pants, you should be getting a bigger size, right? But the String! The String says I've still got space! The seams and the String are sending mixed messages. My self-image confuses things enough. I need clear communication from my pants.

Maybe the String is an emotional spaceholder? You see, you have to figure out how to tuck in the string to avoid the possible embarassment of having something-that-should-be-hidden showing. Much like how us prudish folks feel about underwear. Certain garments (or parts of garments) should not be exposed for public viewing. So the necessity of tucking the String is so that you won't forget the potential humiliation those non-preggers have of a horribly exposed tampon string. Could that be it? Is this String a subliminal message from preggers to non-preggers that, despite not having a period, we still relate to the torture of the monthly miracle? If this is the case, then where is the message that non-preggers send to preggers saying, "I cut you some slack. You're going through enough. I understand that you are sacrificing your body and sanity in order to procreate. You go girl."? For the record, this is NOT the message I get from tube-tops and an over-exposed thong.

The String (which, despite my best attemps to keep it contained, hangs out visibly at least once every day I wear clothes with this feature) advertises that yes, despite my goal of looking less gloppy by wearing maternity clothes, I am, in fact, wearing panelled maternity pants. That must be it. The String is a flag to the rest of the world that says, "I'm not JUST getting fat-- at least half of my newly acquired fat is doctor recommended!" Maybe they'll start adding the String to all pants greater than a size 12 so that women across America can suggest a possible pregnancy to judgemental passers-by instead of feeling the social pressures of needing to fit into a single-digit sized pair of pants. This way those judgers can whisper about the wearer's promiscuity in addition to her inability to metabolize a few too many McDonald's cheeseburgers.

Any other ideas? A tail? A leash? I ask you Internet, why the String?

I feel obliged to keep the String without knowing its purpose. It really seems like I could safely remove it without effecting the functionality of the pants, but who knows? Perhaps, despite all logic, this String somehow holds the pants together and removing it will render the pants utterly useless. I feel the same way about those "do not remove" tags on pillows. I mean, sure, I own the pillow, but if there's a chance I'll get arrested for removing the tag, I'll just keep it on. I put a pillow case over it anyway so it really isn't bothersome. If I cut the String, will the preggo-police come to convict? ...at this rate I'll be incarcerated for life since I refuse to sleep solely on my left side and *gasp* occassionally forget my prenatal vitamin. I'm sure an added String-cutter accusation won't significantly affect my sentence. Did I mention I plan to ride my bike well into my second trimester and might even take cold medicine? Piss off preggo-police.